Bromantic Drunk Dialing: Are We There Yet?

We live in a time where drunk dialing and texting are quite common. We’re also in an era where we’re opening up to the idea of “bromance.” This is truly the first decade ever where society has not only encountered these two topics, but accepted them.

But, are we ready to mix the two together?

Are we ready for bromantic drunk dialing?

My answer is no. It’s impossible. The definitions of each reveal a contradiction between the two.

I bring up this not-so-controversial topic because the last couple of Saturday’s I’ve been receiving phone calls from an inebriated Albertan cowboy. His name is Elliott Carver.

Elliott Carver

Just to lay down the groundwork,  I met Elliott through mutual friends Brodie Thomas and Frank Fowler. I know the two from my high school days and currently all three are roommates in Calgary. They visited Vancouver this past summer, we partied like it was 2002, and had a freakin’ blast.

Then, a few weeks later, on a Saturday evening, around 11 pm, my phone rang.

“Brian Turner Overdrrrive! What is happennnnin’?”

It was Elliott. He was in the middle of a party and I became the center attraction. While on speaker, on his work phone, we had a hilarious conversation. Then, the chatter fizzled and the call was over.

A few weeks later, another call. Then, another call. Then, another.

The calls, which he does the majority of the talking, don’t last for more than five minutes. They’re based around women, what’s in store for the evening, and, of course, apple sauce.

To get a true understanding of who Elliott Carver is, here’s a clip that best describes his character.

Seriously, he’s straight out of the company Adam Scott and Rob Riggle work for in Step Brothers. I’m not sure exactly what Elliott does, I believe I’ve been told he’s an accountant, but he does where a suit and tie when he heads off for work.

And, like Riggle, he lives up to the situations he describes:

“I’m supposed to make sure you don’t dick the dog on this one.”

“You take a dump, count on Elliott wiping your ass.”

“You wake up in the middle of the night. Someone’s sleeping next to ya, spooin’ with ya, chances are it’s going to be me.”

Kay, enough poking fun. The truth is anyone in my generation has definietly been on the receiving end of a drunk dial. We’ve also been on the dialing side of it too. So, you would know in a world of drunk texting, sexting, and other forms on online shenanigans, there’s always one underlying theme. Sex.

This is why you can never have bromantic drunk dialing. Bromance is between two dudes enjoying one another’s companionship yada yada yada. What Elliott is doing when he’s phoning me is “shooting the shit.” He has no intention of penetrating me.

You see, there are rules when it comes to dialing under the influence. (Yes, these are meant as a joke. But, there’s some truth to them.) In this specific case, Elliott doesn’t fall into any of them. Even if the pictures above seem somewhat misleading, it’s because his pad in Calgary is a warehouse where bromance is brewed to the extreme.

There’s nothing romantic happening here, just bromantic. He’s posing like this to get a laugh. And I’m sure you chuckled at one or two of them.

So, Elliott, I look forward to your next call. And please, be sure to punch Brodie for me.